I say melk not milk...

Sometime I feel like I'm crazy

2010-09-12T18:56:00.001-07:00

When did life become such a routine? A routine I constantly try to get out of, yet I enjoy it at the same time. Like anyone else my age I constantly question my life and the decisions I make and what I'm going to end up being or where i'm going to end up being. I have this job, one that I was iffy about even taking in the first place. However its come to be a good thing for this place that i'm in. I've met people that I can't imagine not knowing and i've learned some good lessons. I would love to quit, but to do what? I like to stay on the safe side, make money, save up...but for what? I have big plans and ideas, when it comes down to it though I never follow through with any of it. I suppose i'm scared, if I can't make myself happy and successful in the place I know best, how am I supposed to do that in a foreign town? Maybe its just adventure I seek, a funny concept considering my past full of homesickness. I've always been stunted in that department, I have too much emotional attachment to everything. I've shaken a lot of that, I no longer attach myself to possessions or places. I think moving so frequently has cured me of that. Jealousy of those who had an adventurous college experience caused me to crave that detachment from my childhood that I should have had six years ago. I may or may not make sense, but who cares, I make no sense to myself. I'm just me. I can't be fake, I can't say I understand anything or that i'm not going to change my mind 47 different times a day about what I want to spend my life doing. Some days I try to be realistic, other days I'm restless with everything and other days I'm content and then ten minutes later I want to sell all my possessions and move to montana.

Mounds

2010-09-09T21:50:00.001-07:00

or maybe i'm just seriously delusional. do I need to go to grad school for an MFA or do I have enough talent to support myself with a studio? One of the couples from a wedding that I shot told me today that she was blown away by the work I produced from her nuptials. It made me feel good, after the months of stress that a wedding causes me. I am good at being a professional photographer, do I keep going with it?

Almond Joys

2010-09-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

My BFA thesis statement said the following: The grainy and unpredictable nature of the plastic camera results in images that translate the way the natural world appears in my eyes. I set out to document the untouched ground, however ended up finding this sublime world within my photographs. It is a rare thing to be in the presence of a place that has been unseen or corrupted in some way by humanity. Industry can take over but the natural environment has a stronger ability to take back what was once it's own. The landscapes that I have captured illustrate what I consider a natural institution, a place in the world where despite the small glimpses of mankind, the exalted terrain is potentially one step away from unchanged earth.

I wrote this a year and a half ago. A few weeks from graduating and I was close to not even understanding why I was getting a degree in this good for nothing concentration. In the minds of most; everyone is a photographer, everyone owns a camera and most everyone with enough practice or minute talents can take a good photograph, so what sets me apart from the masses? As some would say I have a degree in bullshitting, because concepts and theories make one feel like their work is worth something.

Why am I thinking about all of this now? I guess I'm a little lost, did I expect to be in this place right now? buffalo, maybe? But in this confused, indecisive mind fuck all the time, no. Its hard having friends with degrees that landed them amazing jobs and retirement plans at the age of 24, but do I really want any of that? I don't think I'm ready. I went to school for something that was interesting to me and I enjoyed every second of it, even the all nighters that resulted in tear filled critiques that seemed like the worst thing in the world at the time but something I pay to do now. Every day I go back and forth about what I want to be, what I want to do and where I want to live my life. I try and play it safe and think of ways to make the education I'm getting from my current job help me land a career, or that maybe I should go back to school for a more career minded degree. I have interests in so many different fields, but I shouldn't throw away the four years of my life that i devoted to a life revolving around art.

I learned during the past 650+ days that what's important to me doesn't come in the form vacation time and christmas bonus' but in happiness with myself. I've been coasting for a while and it's time to make some plans.

Going back to my original statement that accompanied the ten 2 x 2 ' holga images I produced I have found a pattern in my thought processes over the years, it still hasn't waivered much from certain ideas but I have discovered more ways to expand of what I have already produced. I have been working this way all along, I have just come to understand myself more and see what in the end I could be capable of.

Its time to stop saying, it's time to start moving.

This could be most refreshing...

A lot has changed

2009-11-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Its my half birthday. My life is so different from six months ago. I need to spend some time being grateful for all the goodness that is in my life.

Sunday

2009-05-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

Another Photo of the Apartment Via Photobooth:

So read your books, but stay out late some nights...

2009-05-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

My life has done a complete flip since the last time I wrote on here. I had my senior thesis show. I didn't get the job in maine. I graduated. I moved to elmwood. My family has 8 days left in the house I grew up in. I'm happy though.

My Thesis

The first photo I've taken in a month...via Photobooth of my new apartment...

I will write more when I have more words, I'm still adjusting to the newness of my current life situation.

Bittersweet

2009-04-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

I went to Maine last week to have my interview at The Workshops. Getting there and back was kind of a hot mess that included my wheel falling off on the 90, three tow trucks, long waiting periods, broken windshield wipers, monsoons, snow and thick fog for hours. However...as far as I'm concerned my interviews went pretty great. We went to see a couple apartments and we fell in love with one of them, which we actually found out we got yesterday! It's so beautiful, right in the little town of Camden. The situation could really not be anymore perfect and I'm just anxious now waiting to see if I get the job. Leaving Buffalo is going to be hard, but I really loved Maine even though I was only there a few hours. Its basically what my two favorite places in the world (Lake Placid, NY and Newport, RI) would look like if they reproduced. This is something I have wanted to do ever since I heard about it and The Workshops seem like such a great place to work. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that things work out for the best. I have enough to deal with for the end of the semester to keep my mind off the subject, at least for a little while. These next few weeks are going to be so bittersweet.

The house we got in Maine, we have the whole second floor our entrance being the front door that leads right up the main staircase directly into our apartment. We have the river behind us and the town right down the street. Ahh, its just too perfect.

Really.

2009-03-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Maine on Thursday for a job interview, which means I might be moving to Maine. A concept I still don't believe is real. My parents sold the house I grew up in and they are closing on it on June 1. I love that house. I'm graduating on May 10. I don't know how to feel about any of this stuff. I want to grow up and move on and experience new things. However, I love school I love my friends, I love everything about what is going on in my life right now and it just makes it so much harder to accept these inevitable changes. If I don't get the Maine job I still get to lifeguard at NF for another summer, which I want to do and I also get to move in with two of my best friends. I just want time to slow down for a little while so I can think about stuff. The weeks are flying by. I can't believe there is only a month of school left. There are so many things I want/need to do in the next few weeks. I don't know what else to write.

Agreed

2009-03-23T06:23:00.001-07:00

drawing by Kris Chau who writes the zine Cool Heart.

I agree with that drawing because beards are great, in the name of Keeli Danger (who I dedicate this post to), You're Welcome!

Inspiration

2009-03-18T18:05:00.001-07:00

The text reads: My shirt was wet with perspiration. The beer tasted good but I was still thirsty. Some drunk was talking loudly to another drunk about Nixon. I watched a roach walk slowly along the edge of a bar stool. On the juke box Glen Campbell began to sing about "Southern Nights." I had to go to the men's room. A derelict began to walk towards me to ask for money. It was time to leave.

We skimmed over Duane Michaels today in class, however his images have been haunting me all day. There is something about a photo paired with text that I have really been in to these days. I have been in a rut and now I have some inspiration I hope.

The text reads: This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon, when things were still good between us, and she embraced me, and we were so happy. It did happen, she did love me. Look see for yourself!

This is one of my best friends most favorite photos and I can definitely relate.

Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

2009-02-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
-Lord Byron

Sometimes I wish I could live somewhere that I could breath fresh air, run through the woods, swim in a lake and hear true silence. I just have this strong craving for the natural world and to sleep under the stars in my old green sleeping bag.
My thoughts have been turned to the recent tragedy this week, it has made me wonder how come things like this happen all over the world and we never expect them to happen here. I also wonder why the day after something horrible happens the world is so clear, sunny and perfect. It makes the previous day so surreal. I remember the day after 9/11 to be like that. We had soccer practice and it was one of the nicest days we'd had all season. Being on the field looking up in the sky to see no planes anywhere had been the most bizarre part, however its almost as if the world knows we need something to make us forget the tragedy we just experienced so it throws us a beautiful day to make us question the reality of what had happened. Yesterday was one of those days, its also a day that tests the invincibility of your soul. One of my sister's best friend's father was on the flight. I hate seeing people that are close to me hurt. I always wish there was something I could do to make the pain disappear, the best I know how to do is to show my strength so they can feel some source of stability to turn too. The one thing I truly hope is that in a tragic unstoppable situation there is a higher force that just takes the souls of all the people before impact. What goes through the minds of the people, it just horrifies me.
I have always had this invincibility complex that I think nothing bad can ever happen to me and that I have the ability to protect everyone who is close to me. I think one of the main reasons I have been so drawn to empty spaces is that when I'm there I only have myself to protect and I am free to observe without worry of others. I like the serene calmness of places that may normally be busy. I observe and notice way to many things, my senses become overloaded in crowds, I prefer to be in open spaces seeing them for only me. This post is probably making little sense but I have just been thinking about so many things.

Silence is Golden

2009-02-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

I have been pining for the silence of the Adirondacks, It is the most amazing thing in the world to fall asleep in quite so silent it is deafening. I have always had a thing for silence. I can't fall asleep with the tv or music on and I drive my car without any music playing frequently. I enjoy having time to think and not have my mind be distracted by other sounds. Plus music deserves more attention than my brain can give it sometimes.

Driving in the rain is something I got to experience today that has not happened in a while. Its so cool when the ground is so wet its like a mirror at night I love being at red lights and looking at the road under the car in front of me because it perfectly reflects the underside of the car onto the road and it looks so sweet. I wish I could figure out a way to photograph it.

I also decided today I should have lived in the 40s 50s or 60s, I don't feel like i'm a child of this century, I think I would have fit in better in those decades.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2009-02-11T15:39:00.000-08:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

I love this poem, I have had it memorized since seventh grade with Ms. Barends when we read The Outsiders. I have been thinking about it alot lately. Sunrise is my absolute favorite part of the day so its extremely funny to me that I never actually witness it. The whole world is bathed in this transient golden hue and it is the only time I am ever able to take color photographs that I am pleased with. Wow, I sound so idiotic right now, but I have really been craving the moments of sunrise lately. There is nothing more peaceful and invigorating than going out for a run at that time of morning. That being said I can't wait for the permanent switch from winter to spring and for my achilles to be healed. Then I will be able to experience the outside sunrise running euphoria.

It seems so unreal that I'm already in the fifth week of the spring semester. I shudder to think of how little time I have to get my portfolio and thesis project ready. I'm barely taking any classes but have been doing more work than ever. Ironically though its because I have become more interested and devoted to what I do than in any other semester so I just work on things all the time. I have become rather taken with the works of Edward Burtynsky and Eugene Richards lately. If I could only be so talented, now that would be amazing.
This post has been rather jumpy in thought most likely due to my recent restlessness. I'm in limbo and feel no place of comfort. I'm most at ease during my midnight photo adventures in dark corners, fields and abandoned suburban sprawls. I keep feeling a draw back to shoot at my old high school and family farm while I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
I need to think about this.

Typical

2009-02-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

I have achilles tendonitis and I might be allergic to wheat, therefore I can't eat run for a week (or two) or eat good tasting bread/cookies/cereal/bagels aka most of my daily diet for two weeks (or forever, if it turns out its bad for me). These next few weeks will be interesting.
I'm mad I have been spending most of my time just venting on this thing but keeping it in just makes it worse. I'm mostly upset about not being able to run because it has been a huge stress outlet for me and its so frustrating that whenever I finally get into a good rhythm of running I always end up injuring myself causing huge discouragement. Last year at this time it was a stress fracture. At least I have been super conscious of treating this stupid achilles thing so hopefully I won't be out of commission for too long. I guess I will be spending a lot of time on the bike/possibly swimming for the next few weeks. As for the wheat situation I suppose that will be a good things since I will be eating a lot more fruits and veggies and protein since thats pretty much all I can have, so being sidelined won't cause me to gain any poundage. Grrrr, this is really one of those weeks where I would just like to scream multiple obscenities at the top of my lungs.
I'm glad I have skiing this weekend to look forward too, I still can't believe I have not been out yet this year. I can't wait.

Do you ever just feel like yelling obscenities as loud as you can?

2009-01-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

There is this beeping noise that keeps going off in my room every few minutes. I can hear where it's coming from but I can't figure out what the hell it is since nothing near the noise is electronics of any sorts which just leads me to believe the theory that my landlord has hidden cameras in our house even more.
The noise the fan in the bathroom makes when you turn on the light is insanely loud as well as the bathroom door every time it is opened and closed. I have always needed complete silence and darkness to sleep and could never have the television or anything on to bother me. I have not had a problem falling asleep here until recently, but in the past few weeks I can't sleep. It's either my roommates talking, playing loud music, watching loud movies or the multitude of little noises that seem to have magnified themselves in my head, like the noise of the cars from the 990.
I don't know what has made me such a grump, I'm just frustrated with so many things and having my sleep patterns disturbed has just caused me to be on the verge of screaming frequently.

Loathing

2009-01-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm seriously loathing a lot of things. I hate my living situation. No offense to everyone I live with, honestly though can anyone else deal with the fucking mess we always seem to have in the kitchen and the fact that everything just seems gross all the time. We could also talk about the fact that the third floor seems to have absolutely zero water pressure so my hair feels like there is shampoo in it all the time no matter how long I rinse it out, there is only so much time that I can spend in the shower. The kicker might be the alarm clock that was going off in my roommates room for three days that was battery operated and screwed closed and wouldn't turn off. The large groups of tours that my landlord keeps bringing through the house doesn't help matters either, I love it when i am sitting in my room in sweats and fifteen boys walk in to see what it looks like and off course no one bothers to take their shoes off despite the fact its been snowing for days making every surface wet with slush.
I'm mad that I have not been skiing yet either. It's not fair that my dad and sister work at KB and every year I was able to get a free seasons pass but now that I'm 22 it's impossible for my dad to even get me a day pass. I hate not having money. At least I was finally able to quit Target. Financially it probably wasn't the best idea but I could care less. Its not like I would have been making more than $40 a week there anyway. I think I need to drop documentary photo so that I can get another job. I want to take that class but I have already been stressing out about a subject for it and the second week of school hasn't even started. I only need three credits to graduate and I'm enrolled in 17. I think I need to just do what I really need/want so I don't have a panic attack.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do when I graduate. I have some ideas, I'm just afraid for things not working out the way I want them too. Plus the more I think about it going to grad school around here would be so much better for my situation, and I would really just like to live in my mom's studio. That house is in such a good location for me.
Growing up is just completely freaking me out today, and I even got an extra year to do it.

Gym

2009-01-13T17:45:00.001-08:00

The fitness center in alumni one of the most ridiculous places ever. I like to go up and run on the treadmill so I can look down on all the people lifting weights. Some people seriously have no clue what is going on. Its hilarious.

Tea

2009-01-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

Tea (green tea to be more precise) has become my new obsession. I have been drinking five - six cups a day. Its a much more healthy obsession than my coffee one. Coffee starts to make me feel sick after a while, I guess its good I still equate it to dessert too, so when I have it its been for after dinner instead. Green tea though is the best. I've been getting the Bigelow brand from Wegmans and my favorites are Jasmine Green, Earl Grey Green and Constant Comment Green. I also really want to try this one by The Republic of Tea called Get Growing. It is supposed to stimulate hair growth and I really want my hair to be long again. Its most likely just some sort of gimmick but sometimes I would like to have faith considering every time I think about the day I cut all my hair off I feel nauseous. I still can't believe I did that. Pretty much the worst decision I made in 2008, shallow as that may seem, I'm just really upset by my short hair. At least its grown about an inch and half since I cut it and now I know that having short hair is not something that I like.
I can't believe it is already 2009 and that school starts in a week. Im excited for classes to begin though I didn't get anything done that I wanted to this break. My two day sleep at home for christmas has turned into a three week stay. I have not even been back to my house and I've been living off the minimal clothes I brought home for those couple nights, proving the point to myself even more that I don't really need any of the material things that I have surrounding me at my house. However, as much as I like spending all the time that I have spent with my family I hate how its like a black hole at home where I want to do nothing except lounge around and watch movies with my sisters. I still have not even developed the film that I shot the first week of break and I get lazy about going to the gym when it takes me 20 mins to get to alumni as opposed to three. I'm glad its been fairly decent outside because I've gotten some good three mile runs in the past couple weeks.
The last few days I've had this weird dizzy thing going on, the result of a sinus thing? I don't know but its annoying and I missed my first chance to go skiing this Saturday because of it and left work early today. Oh well.
Despite that I'm hoping for a pretty fantastic 2009. I'm excited about my last semester and maybe this time I will pull off a 4.0...I can't believe I just missed it last semester. Damn those .2 points lost in History of Graphic Design.
I've got a lot to look forward to and I'm excited to see everyone back at school next monday. Until then go drink a cup of green tea, its delicious.

When do I Get to Go Skiing?

2008-12-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

When I was out at my farm last saturday my favorite part was right when we were about to leave and the sun was just below the trees so the little light that was left made everything look blue from the reflections off the snow. I really think snow is one of the most beautiful things in the world and I just don’t know how I could ever live anywhere without it. That time of twilight showcases the snow, to me, in the best way possible. I wish that the world would look like that for more than a few moments each day. I’m so happy that we finally have dropped off into below freezing temperatures too and are actually getting snow. I’m always so afraid of having a green christmas because it just never feels like christmas without the snow on the ground.
Christmas Eve is the greatest holiday and it always goes by way to fast. The “waifs and strays” party (as Gogo calls it) is always so fun and its great to catch up with all the friends and family that we only tend to see once a year. My sister and I have been going to the candlelight midnight service at our church the past few years as well and its the perfect end to the night.
I already got a pretty great christmas present in the form of an apology e-mail from a certain teacher who has now promised me an A instead of something less than I deserve. I’m really glad that my hard work from the semester ultimately paid off and it’s already giving me more motivation for this final semester. Especially since I might actually pull off a 4.0 which is a first ever for me and now I would like that to happen two consecutive times in a row.
So far this break has been kinda dull and I literally spent this past week sleeping. But I did start going to the gym everyday too. Its funny though because my entire day is spent sleeping, gym, shower, eat and sleep more. I should be able to have more time to do things but for some reason the whole gym process ends up taking forever when I only actually spend an hour there.
I did do a few other things too, I’ve been going to Spot on Elmwood to read (shamelessly finishing the last two of the Twilight series in two days), good I guess, but reflecting on them super corny after the previous stuff I had been reading. I find that I can’t just sit in my room and read all the time, plus I enjoy sipping on a cup of coffee. I really like being out around a bunch of people. I’ve been such an observer lately, not that I wasn’t before, but I just find people so interesting. Just call me a big creeper.
I hope to go skiing a bunch this week. Its looking like I will have a good chance of that since I’m only working monday and tuesday night.
Anyways, I’m thrilled with the snow, happy about the upcoming holidays and excited for 2009. Happy Holidays!

Thankful

2008-12-09T00:06:00.000-08:00

Working at Target this year really makes me appreciate a lot of things in my life. I'm so proud of all my friends who are in school working towards a degree so that they can do what they want to do. I can never imagine living a life where my job was a job. It is one thing right now to be doing that through school because I have the future to look forward to. I just really don't know how people spend their entire lives working a job where they are just running out the clock. Another thing from today that drove me insane was the amount of people who spend hundreds of dollars on video games. No offense to the gaming nerds, but really? Do you really need to waste that money on a game? I 100% condone illegally downloading games because I don't believe anyone should ever waste that much money on such a time killer. Seriously though I'm just really lucky to be able to go to school for what I love. Not being able to be creative would kill me, art is my life.
Some more obsessions for the day include; flannel (i found this great lined flannel which i'm obviously rocking because it was freezing today, its just the L.L. Bean side of me that i will never be able to completely grow out of), headphones (the big goofy sony ones...on sale for $18 at target this week and they don't hurt my ears like the earbuds do!), the Sally Mann documentary "What Remains" (I basically want to be her, living on a farm and doing what she does is really my ultimate dream), reading (I'm still working my way through Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers its really great so far and I'm going back through and reading the theory books that I blew off when I shouldn't have, I really need to gain more perspective when it comes to talking about my art, so On Photography by Susan Sontag has been traveling around with me lately and I'm surprisingly making sense of it this time.) annie's cheddar bunnies (just eat them and you will become obsessed too), emergen-c (acai berry flavor) its a really nice purple color when mixed, being in the photo lab (i think i have nostalgia/addiction problems with this place right now. it really has become my home, plus I'm afraid of change and want to spend all the time i can where i feel most at home.)
I had to talk with some administrative people today about unfair grading for a certain class. The more I have to talk about it with other people and the more I see my work, the less I feel like I have, even though I know I grew tremendously as a person and an artist this semester. I need to learn how to have more confidence and how to defend my work. This is an on-going battle with myself that I am determined to conquer before starting my final semester.
I have been getting the "What is going to happen to you when you graduate?" question a lot. My response has become mindlessly droned out to all of these answer seekers, but in reality I really hope my plan comes true. The interview weekend in Maine is the first weekend of April, I have started to work on a portfolio and plan to make it for the next few months. I think I am more afraid of not being able to handle moving than of not getting the job. I need this more than anything, I have spent too many years here in Buffalo surrounded by the same stuff. I need to leave and experience something new I really just don't want to pull a freshman year sam and fuck it all up. I know I am strong enough this time around but the thought of that is the one thing that constantly haunts my mind. More so now that the reality of graduation is only 5 months away...
No Target again until Sunday, thankfully. I just need to spend the next few days devoting myself to making art. My schedule has become so messed up without having classes, I have no perception of time anymore. It also needs to snow more, these couple inches are such a tease, I'm excited for when it can be measured in feet.

Obsessions

2008-12-07T21:46:00.001-08:00

The Semester is over, except for a a few projects that I need to finish up and my on-going experimentations for senior thesis. I've been really frustrated lately because I have been trapped in my head. I think I have good ideas but I feel stupid because I don't know how to explain how I feel about anything, I am just unable to formulate the words. I need to stop worrying about it because it makes it worse, but I just hate feeling so dumb.
I worked again at target today, it wasn't terrible. I just keep reminding myself how great it will be when I finally get a paycheck.
I'm sad that the semester is done, I like school and I always dread winter break. I always end up feeling like the only purpose I have during that month is to work, however this time I plan on spending a lot of time in the lab on my own work and making it a very productive break. Plus I have big plans to get back in shape, so lets see how that pans out...
So recently I have been obsessed with these things...
The Killers new cd "Day and Age"...I have just been listening to it over and over on repeat, I don't know what it is about them but they are fantastic I can't wait to see them in Boston in January. Also great album artwork on this new cd.
Ratatat...instrumental music is my first music love so obviously I'm addicted, plus its got that electronica feel which I'm into.
Interpol...the lead singers voice is so captivating, I can't stop listening. Plus they have a sick website, I'm really into their background photos which look like they were taken in a museum of natural history.
Owls, I still have all those cut outs from my field guide from earlier this semester I need to do something with them.
Coffee, I never used to be able to drink it and now I'm addicted. Its not about the caffeine, cause I know I can go a day without it, its just something about the experience of getting coffee, its a soothing event.
Snow, I'm so glad it finally got cold out, I love getting bundled up and seeing the ground all white. Which leads me to my recent obsession with wool sweaters, flannel shirts, tall socks and boots. I love everything about winter and winter clothes, and my mom's old school wool sweaters are my favorite things to wear right now, I just need to find a decent pair of boots because I walk like Ebenezer Scrooge in the ones I have recently been sporting.
I'm also infatuated with Sally Mann's work again.
4 x 5 Film, aesthetically I find it to be the most pleasing way for me to take photographs at the moment, though Holga is still up there as well. I need to shoot a lot more, I think I have some good ideas brewing around right now.
I think thats all I've got for now. Closing at target again tomorrow, visits would be awesome.

Sunday

2008-11-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

So Target is really awesome and called me this morning to inform me that I was on the schedule from 8-4:45 and tomorrow from 3-11. I'm not supposed to start until friday so its great they most likely think I'm just being a big pain in the ass already. Ugh, it really just wasn't what I needed to start my week, its shitty enough I caught some sort of sickness and just want to sleep all the time. Oh well, besides that I was semi-productive this weekend. I cleaned out of my closet and I'm getting rid of all the clothes I never wear which in the end amounted to a pretty large pile, but it feels good to just clean it out. I'm sick of having a bunch of stuff that I have no use for. So I went out for the first time in a month and it was fun to see people however I'm really kinda over being out until 4 am, I can't afford to be spending money to drive down or drink and I'm just so damn tired all the time its ridiculous. Oh well, it was fun I missed the Pink and the friday night playlist.
I have a lot to get done from now until the end of the semester. View Camera, Senior Thesis and Book Design are all going to take up most of my time and who knows what the final is going to be for History of Graphic Design yet. I'm just worried about getting all my photos taken for view camera and thesis. At least I'm on a more solid track with my ideas right now. I can't wait for thanksgiving and to finish everything up.

2008-11-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

Rat

2008-11-20T16:36:00.000-08:00

This photo makes me miss my pet rats, Franklin and Otis were the first and when they passed we got Cooper, Berkeley Sebastian and George. He looks like Sebastian. Man despite the bad rap rats get, those guys were pretty awesome.

Amazing

2008-11-20T08:19:00.001-08:00

Monday

2008-11-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

I like mondays because I only have one class but today has been a shit show. I didn't have anything to show for view camera, someone stole my UB card and spent the $20 I had left on it which sucks since its gonna cost me that much to get a new card. I have a book design project due tomorrow and i'm going to end up being up all night. I spent the whole weekend sleeping which I needed to do but I lost a lot of time where I should have been out shooting. At least I have gone running all but one day the last week and thats definitely a good feeling. I also got my job back at Target... first day being black friday... fantastic, at least I won't be poor anymore.
I can't believe there are only four weeks left in this semester. I will be glad to be done with school work but it scares me that I'm that much closer to graduating, it only took me an extra year. I'm finally really starting to appreciate photography so it will be nice to actually do stuff that I want to do instead of always thinking about school projects. I wish I had learned more technical stuff here though. Its all about the conceptual points and now I'm great at coming up with concepts but I have little technical knowledge and its really been my goal recently to learn everything I can. I've been super frustrated with things lately and find myself being lazy and not wanting to work on stuff just because I feel like I don't know anything, I need to stop that and I will. I need to stop worrying about the things that don't matter and really just focus on what I care about most right now which is photo.
I'm also going to Boston this weekend to visit my sister, I can't wait. Four days to shoot different surrounding will be a good change and I miss her so it will be fun to catch up. The little sister is sleeping over and hanging out at school with me tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what she thinks of this, since according to her she wants to go to school for photo as well.
Blah, if anyone catches the stealer of my UB card kick them for me. Thanks.

Run

2008-11-05T17:11:00.001-08:00

So I ran 3 miles today, and yesterday...finally...

OBAMA NATION

OBAMA '08

2008-11-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

Go Vote!

Lockwood

2008-10-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

35mm

2008-10-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

Places/Things

2008-10-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

People

2008-10-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Photo Lab

2008-10-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Its really funny that the only time I really can't stand being in the photo lab is on Wednesdays from 3:30-10:30 when I actually have to be in here. Otherwise I live here. Ugh... I'm bored, I also really want some coffee.

Proof

2008-10-21T22:02:00.000-07:00

Finally scanned this one in. Pretty much the only photo proof that I was in NYC last spring break, but it's fantastic evidence. I'm re-falling in love with my holga camera.

Photo

2008-10-21T13:06:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to figure out what this photo means to me. It was kind of an accident but its probably the best digital photo i've taken in a long time.

Its cold out today. I hope it snows tonight. I need new shoes, pants and money. But i'm happier than i've been in a while because i'm actually really excited about photography right now. Go holgas/film cameras!

Another Drawing

2008-10-20T11:08:00.001-07:00

Finished another drawing for book design...its kinda ridiculous but whatever I enjoy it.

Night Photos

2008-10-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

So despite being cold whiny upset and bitchy last night I'm happy that we went to take photos. Night view camera pictures are kind of amazing and i'm really glad my friends know how to motivate me. I'm pretty excited about these.

Excerpts from my mind...

2008-10-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Its kinda cliche but I really can't believe its senior year of school. Though its my 5th year and I should have moved on already I feel like college just went by way too fast. This semester has made me really regret being such a bum the last few years, we're already half way through fall term and its pretty much been the best few months ever, especially this week for some reason. I feel like i've just started to appreciate my major, school, friends and my life in general so much.

I need a job. I'm so in debt it freaks me out and the fact I can't even buy gas without going home to beg my parents for money scares the shit out of me. I have to go back to target and thats is kind of a death sentence for me but i guess the paycheck will be worth it.

I am working on figuring out my art. I was just having a conversation with a friend about how we both have great ideas but its like we don't know how to show them. I spend so much time looking at different artists and seeing what they do that I feel like most of my stuff has been done and I can't show it without being seen as a copier. I really just need to be more confident with my ideas because without taking chances and being afraid of failure I will never be able to do anything I can be proud of.

Yesterday I went to the WNY book arts collaborative and it was pretty awesome. I'm really excited to go back and help them get it all together. Being there really made me wish I spent more time down in the print labs. All of the stuff we've been looking at in book design, going to WNYBAC, talking to drive by press and seeing what other friends are doing makes me want to learn all about print making. I think handmade art is fantastic and spending all my time taking photo classes was great but I wish i had the courage to attempt to make the stuff I have always been interested in.

Back to photography... driving around Buffalo reignites my love for architecture of all kinds. I need some motivation to go out and just photograph what I see because I'm basically in lust for all things built in and around Buffalo. However, I've recently realized documentary photography is something I definitely want to get into. My frustration with my camera has been diminishing and my whole obsession with the moment not photographed has quickly become an obsession with the fact that a photo has the ability to stop time and I have been finding a lot of moments in my life need to be captured.

Drawing + Darkroom

2008-10-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

This is for book design, its already been painted over again but its one of the first attempts at drawing i've had in a while so i like it. Drawing is quickly becoming one my new favorite things. Along with being obsessed with film and the darkroom. Hopefully more will become of that in the near future despite the attempts by the photo department to stay away from the archaic ideas of darkroom photography. What I think is that its important to know the roots of something and the root of being artistic in my mind is drawing because that is the first artistic thing you learn as a child and darkroom photography is one of the original forms of photography so right now i'm grasping at the roots.

Life

2008-10-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

Why can't I just get my shit together? I seriously need a kick in the ass. I'm taking interesting classes and have good ideas I don't know how to get my thoughts together. Senior thesis might kill me, I don't know what the hell i'm going to do for it.

I don't know

2008-09-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

If I say I don't know anymore i'm going to freak out. Why can't i think straight anymore ever. I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm too real for my own good. Someone seriously needs to punch me.

The Excuse

2008-08-22T06:36:00.001-07:00

So pathetically and as per usual I didn't keep up with my promise to work on photography at all this summer. Its ridiculous how unmotivated I can be. Part of my excuse is that my macbook crashed and burned on July 3, 2008 deleteing my thousands of photos that I stupidly never backed up. I still havn't delt with the situation but hopefully I will have my computer working some point in the next week and I honestly promise to actually work on photography more.

rising above

2008-06-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to overcome my discouragement with photography I am making an effort to spend at least a small part of my day doing something with photography and posting the results.