Sometime I feel like I'm crazy

When did life become such a routine? A routine I constantly try to get out of, yet I enjoy it at the same time. Like anyone else my age I constantly question my life and the decisions I make and what I'm going to end up being or where i'm going to end up being. I have this job, one that I was iffy about even taking in the first place. However its come to be a good thing for this place that i'm in. I've met people that I can't imagine not knowing and i've learned some good lessons. I would love to quit, but to do what? I like to stay on the safe side, make money, save up...but for what? I have big plans and ideas, when it comes down to it though I never follow through with any of it. I suppose i'm scared, if I can't make myself happy and successful in the place I know best, how am I supposed to do that in a foreign town? Maybe its just adventure I seek, a funny concept considering my past full of homesickness. I've always been stunted in that department, I have too much emotional attachment to everything. I've shaken a lot of that, I no longer attach myself to possessions or places. I think moving so frequently has cured me of that. Jealousy of those who had an adventurous college experience caused me to crave that detachment from my childhood that I should have had six years ago. I may or may not make sense, but who cares, I make no sense to myself. I'm just me. I can't be fake, I can't say I understand anything or that i'm not going to change my mind 47 different times a day about what I want to spend my life doing. Some days I try to be realistic, other days I'm restless with everything and other days I'm content and then ten minutes later I want to sell all my possessions and move to montana.

Mounds

or maybe i'm just seriously delusional. do I need to go to grad school for an MFA or do I have enough talent to support myself with a studio? One of the couples from a wedding that I shot told me today that she was blown away by the work I produced from her nuptials. It made me feel good, after the months of stress that a wedding causes me. I am good at being a professional photographer, do I keep going with it?

Almond Joys

My BFA thesis statement said the following: The grainy and unpredictable nature of the plastic camera results in images that translate the way the natural world appears in my eyes. I set out to document the untouched ground, however ended up finding this sublime world within my photographs. It is a rare thing to be in the presence of a place that has been unseen or corrupted in some way by humanity. Industry can take over but the natural environment has a stronger ability to take back what was once it's own. The landscapes that I have captured illustrate what I consider a natural institution, a place in the world where despite the small glimpses of mankind, the exalted terrain is potentially one step away from unchanged earth.

I wrote this a year and a half ago. A few weeks from graduating and I was close to not even understanding why I was getting a degree in this good for nothing concentration. In the minds of most; everyone is a photographer, everyone owns a camera and most everyone with enough practice or minute talents can take a good photograph, so what sets me apart from the masses? As some would say I have a degree in bullshitting, because concepts and theories make one feel like their work is worth something.

Why am I thinking about all of this now? I guess I'm a little lost, did I expect to be in this place right now? buffalo, maybe? But in this confused, indecisive mind fuck all the time, no. Its hard having friends with degrees that landed them amazing jobs and retirement plans at the age of 24, but do I really want any of that? I don't think I'm ready. I went to school for something that was interesting to me and I enjoyed every second of it, even the all nighters that resulted in tear filled critiques that seemed like the worst thing in the world at the time but something I pay to do now. Every day I go back and forth about what I want to be, what I want to do and where I want to live my life. I try and play it safe and think of ways to make the education I'm getting from my current job help me land a career, or that maybe I should go back to school for a more career minded degree. I have interests in so many different fields, but I shouldn't throw away the four years of my life that i devoted to a life revolving around art.

I learned during the past 650+ days that what's important to me doesn't come in the form vacation time and christmas bonus' but in happiness with myself. I've been coasting for a while and it's time to make some plans.

Going back to my original statement that accompanied the ten 2 x 2 ' holga images I produced I have found a pattern in my thought processes over the years, it still hasn't waivered much from certain ideas but I have discovered more ways to expand of what I have already produced. I have been working this way all along, I have just come to understand myself more and see what in the end I could be capable of.

Its time to stop saying, it's time to start moving.

This could be most refreshing...

A lot has changed

Its my half birthday. My life is so different from six months ago. I need to spend some time being grateful for all the goodness that is in my life.

Sunday

Another Photo of the Apartment Via Photobooth:

So read your books, but stay out late some nights...

My life has done a complete flip since the last time I wrote on here. I had my senior thesis show. I didn't get the job in maine. I graduated. I moved to elmwood. My family has 8 days left in the house I grew up in. I'm happy though.

My Thesis




The first photo I've taken in a month...via Photobooth of my new apartment...





I will write more when I have more words, I'm still adjusting to the newness of my current life situation.

Bittersweet

I went to Maine last week to have my interview at The Workshops. Getting there and back was kind of a hot mess that included my wheel falling off on the 90, three tow trucks, long waiting periods, broken windshield wipers, monsoons, snow and thick fog for hours. However...as far as I'm concerned my interviews went pretty great. We went to see a couple apartments and we fell in love with one of them, which we actually found out we got yesterday! It's so beautiful, right in the little town of Camden. The situation could really not be anymore perfect and I'm just anxious now waiting to see if I get the job. Leaving Buffalo is going to be hard, but I really loved Maine even though I was only there a few hours. Its basically what my two favorite places in the world (Lake Placid, NY and Newport, RI) would look like if they reproduced. This is something I have wanted to do ever since I heard about it and The Workshops seem like such a great place to work. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that things work out for the best. I have enough to deal with for the end of the semester to keep my mind off the subject, at least for a little while. These next few weeks are going to be so bittersweet.



The house we got in Maine, we have the whole second floor our entrance being the front door that leads right up the main staircase directly into our apartment. We have the river behind us and the town right down the street. Ahh, its just too perfect.