A lot has changed

Its my half birthday. My life is so different from six months ago. I need to spend some time being grateful for all the goodness that is in my life.

Sunday

Another Photo of the Apartment Via Photobooth:

So read your books, but stay out late some nights...

My life has done a complete flip since the last time I wrote on here. I had my senior thesis show. I didn't get the job in maine. I graduated. I moved to elmwood. My family has 8 days left in the house I grew up in. I'm happy though.

My Thesis




The first photo I've taken in a month...via Photobooth of my new apartment...





I will write more when I have more words, I'm still adjusting to the newness of my current life situation.

Bittersweet

I went to Maine last week to have my interview at The Workshops. Getting there and back was kind of a hot mess that included my wheel falling off on the 90, three tow trucks, long waiting periods, broken windshield wipers, monsoons, snow and thick fog for hours. However...as far as I'm concerned my interviews went pretty great. We went to see a couple apartments and we fell in love with one of them, which we actually found out we got yesterday! It's so beautiful, right in the little town of Camden. The situation could really not be anymore perfect and I'm just anxious now waiting to see if I get the job. Leaving Buffalo is going to be hard, but I really loved Maine even though I was only there a few hours. Its basically what my two favorite places in the world (Lake Placid, NY and Newport, RI) would look like if they reproduced. This is something I have wanted to do ever since I heard about it and The Workshops seem like such a great place to work. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that things work out for the best. I have enough to deal with for the end of the semester to keep my mind off the subject, at least for a little while. These next few weeks are going to be so bittersweet.



The house we got in Maine, we have the whole second floor our entrance being the front door that leads right up the main staircase directly into our apartment. We have the river behind us and the town right down the street. Ahh, its just too perfect.

Really.

I'm going to Maine on Thursday for a job interview, which means I might be moving to Maine. A concept I still don't believe is real. My parents sold the house I grew up in and they are closing on it on June 1. I love that house. I'm graduating on May 10. I don't know how to feel about any of this stuff. I want to grow up and move on and experience new things. However, I love school I love my friends, I love everything about what is going on in my life right now and it just makes it so much harder to accept these inevitable changes. If I don't get the Maine job I still get to lifeguard at NF for another summer, which I want to do and I also get to move in with two of my best friends. I just want time to slow down for a little while so I can think about stuff. The weeks are flying by. I can't believe there is only a month of school left. There are so many things I want/need to do in the next few weeks. I don't know what else to write.

Agreed

drawing by Kris Chau who writes the zine Cool Heart.

I agree with that drawing because beards are great, in the name of Keeli Danger (who I dedicate this post to), You're Welcome!

Inspiration

The text reads: My shirt was wet with perspiration. The beer tasted good but I was still thirsty. Some drunk was talking loudly to another drunk about Nixon. I watched a roach walk slowly along the edge of a bar stool. On the juke box Glen Campbell began to sing about "Southern Nights." I had to go to the men's room. A derelict began to walk towards me to ask for money. It was time to leave.

We skimmed over Duane Michaels today in class, however his images have been haunting me all day. There is something about a photo paired with text that I have really been in to these days. I have been in a rut and now I have some inspiration I hope.



The text reads: This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon, when things were still good between us, and she embraced me, and we were so happy. It did happen, she did love me. Look see for yourself!

This is one of my best friends most favorite photos and I can definitely relate.

Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
-Lord Byron

Sometimes I wish I could live somewhere that I could breath fresh air, run through the woods, swim in a lake and hear true silence. I just have this strong craving for the natural world and to sleep under the stars in my old green sleeping bag.
My thoughts have been turned to the recent tragedy this week, it has made me wonder how come things like this happen all over the world and we never expect them to happen here. I also wonder why the day after something horrible happens the world is so clear, sunny and perfect. It makes the previous day so surreal. I remember the day after 9/11 to be like that. We had soccer practice and it was one of the nicest days we'd had all season. Being on the field looking up in the sky to see no planes anywhere had been the most bizarre part, however its almost as if the world knows we need something to make us forget the tragedy we just experienced so it throws us a beautiful day to make us question the reality of what had happened. Yesterday was one of those days, its also a day that tests the invincibility of your soul. One of my sister's best friend's father was on the flight. I hate seeing people that are close to me hurt. I always wish there was something I could do to make the pain disappear, the best I know how to do is to show my strength so they can feel some source of stability to turn too. The one thing I truly hope is that in a tragic unstoppable situation there is a higher force that just takes the souls of all the people before impact. What goes through the minds of the people, it just horrifies me.
I have always had this invincibility complex that I think nothing bad can ever happen to me and that I have the ability to protect everyone who is close to me. I think one of the main reasons I have been so drawn to empty spaces is that when I'm there I only have myself to protect and I am free to observe without worry of others. I like the serene calmness of places that may normally be busy. I observe and notice way to many things, my senses become overloaded in crowds, I prefer to be in open spaces seeing them for only me. This post is probably making little sense but I have just been thinking about so many things.

Silence is Golden

I have been pining for the silence of the Adirondacks, It is the most amazing thing in the world to fall asleep in quite so silent it is deafening. I have always had a thing for silence. I can't fall asleep with the tv or music on and I drive my car without any music playing frequently. I enjoy having time to think and not have my mind be distracted by other sounds. Plus music deserves more attention than my brain can give it sometimes.

Driving in the rain is something I got to experience today that has not happened in a while. Its so cool when the ground is so wet its like a mirror at night I love being at red lights and looking at the road under the car in front of me because it perfectly reflects the underside of the car onto the road and it looks so sweet. I wish I could figure out a way to photograph it.

I also decided today I should have lived in the 40s 50s or 60s, I don't feel like i'm a child of this century, I think I would have fit in better in those decades.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

I love this poem, I have had it memorized since seventh grade with Ms. Barends when we read The Outsiders. I have been thinking about it alot lately. Sunrise is my absolute favorite part of the day so its extremely funny to me that I never actually witness it. The whole world is bathed in this transient golden hue and it is the only time I am ever able to take color photographs that I am pleased with. Wow, I sound so idiotic right now, but I have really been craving the moments of sunrise lately. There is nothing more peaceful and invigorating than going out for a run at that time of morning. That being said I can't wait for the permanent switch from winter to spring and for my achilles to be healed. Then I will be able to experience the outside sunrise running euphoria.

It seems so unreal that I'm already in the fifth week of the spring semester. I shudder to think of how little time I have to get my portfolio and thesis project ready. I'm barely taking any classes but have been doing more work than ever. Ironically though its because I have become more interested and devoted to what I do than in any other semester so I just work on things all the time. I have become rather taken with the works of Edward Burtynsky and Eugene Richards lately. If I could only be so talented, now that would be amazing.
This post has been rather jumpy in thought most likely due to my recent restlessness. I'm in limbo and feel no place of comfort. I'm most at ease during my midnight photo adventures in dark corners, fields and abandoned suburban sprawls. I keep feeling a draw back to shoot at my old high school and family farm while I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
I need to think about this.

Typical

I have achilles tendonitis and I might be allergic to wheat, therefore I can't eat run for a week (or two) or eat good tasting bread/cookies/cereal/bagels aka most of my daily diet for two weeks (or forever, if it turns out its bad for me). These next few weeks will be interesting.
I'm mad I have been spending most of my time just venting on this thing but keeping it in just makes it worse. I'm mostly upset about not being able to run because it has been a huge stress outlet for me and its so frustrating that whenever I finally get into a good rhythm of running I always end up injuring myself causing huge discouragement. Last year at this time it was a stress fracture. At least I have been super conscious of treating this stupid achilles thing so hopefully I won't be out of commission for too long. I guess I will be spending a lot of time on the bike/possibly swimming for the next few weeks. As for the wheat situation I suppose that will be a good things since I will be eating a lot more fruits and veggies and protein since thats pretty much all I can have, so being sidelined won't cause me to gain any poundage. Grrrr, this is really one of those weeks where I would just like to scream multiple obscenities at the top of my lungs.
I'm glad I have skiing this weekend to look forward too, I still can't believe I have not been out yet this year. I can't wait.

Do you ever just feel like yelling obscenities as loud as you can?

There is this beeping noise that keeps going off in my room every few minutes. I can hear where it's coming from but I can't figure out what the hell it is since nothing near the noise is electronics of any sorts which just leads me to believe the theory that my landlord has hidden cameras in our house even more.
The noise the fan in the bathroom makes when you turn on the light is insanely loud as well as the bathroom door every time it is opened and closed. I have always needed complete silence and darkness to sleep and could never have the television or anything on to bother me. I have not had a problem falling asleep here until recently, but in the past few weeks I can't sleep. It's either my roommates talking, playing loud music, watching loud movies or the multitude of little noises that seem to have magnified themselves in my head, like the noise of the cars from the 990.
I don't know what has made me such a grump, I'm just frustrated with so many things and having my sleep patterns disturbed has just caused me to be on the verge of screaming frequently.

Loathing

Right now I'm seriously loathing a lot of things. I hate my living situation. No offense to everyone I live with, honestly though can anyone else deal with the fucking mess we always seem to have in the kitchen and the fact that everything just seems gross all the time. We could also talk about the fact that the third floor seems to have absolutely zero water pressure so my hair feels like there is shampoo in it all the time no matter how long I rinse it out, there is only so much time that I can spend in the shower. The kicker might be the alarm clock that was going off in my roommates room for three days that was battery operated and screwed closed and wouldn't turn off. The large groups of tours that my landlord keeps bringing through the house doesn't help matters either, I love it when i am sitting in my room in sweats and fifteen boys walk in to see what it looks like and off course no one bothers to take their shoes off despite the fact its been snowing for days making every surface wet with slush.
I'm mad that I have not been skiing yet either. It's not fair that my dad and sister work at KB and every year I was able to get a free seasons pass but now that I'm 22 it's impossible for my dad to even get me a day pass. I hate not having money. At least I was finally able to quit Target. Financially it probably wasn't the best idea but I could care less. Its not like I would have been making more than $40 a week there anyway. I think I need to drop documentary photo so that I can get another job. I want to take that class but I have already been stressing out about a subject for it and the second week of school hasn't even started. I only need three credits to graduate and I'm enrolled in 17. I think I need to just do what I really need/want so I don't have a panic attack.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do when I graduate. I have some ideas, I'm just afraid for things not working out the way I want them too. Plus the more I think about it going to grad school around here would be so much better for my situation, and I would really just like to live in my mom's studio. That house is in such a good location for me.
Growing up is just completely freaking me out today, and I even got an extra year to do it.

Gym

The fitness center in alumni one of the most ridiculous places ever. I like to go up and run on the treadmill so I can look down on all the people lifting weights. Some people seriously have no clue what is going on. Its hilarious.

Tea

Tea (green tea to be more precise) has become my new obsession. I have been drinking five - six cups a day. Its a much more healthy obsession than my coffee one. Coffee starts to make me feel sick after a while, I guess its good I still equate it to dessert too, so when I have it its been for after dinner instead. Green tea though is the best. I've been getting the Bigelow brand from Wegmans and my favorites are Jasmine Green, Earl Grey Green and Constant Comment Green. I also really want to try this one by The Republic of Tea called Get Growing. It is supposed to stimulate hair growth and I really want my hair to be long again. Its most likely just some sort of gimmick but sometimes I would like to have faith considering every time I think about the day I cut all my hair off I feel nauseous. I still can't believe I did that. Pretty much the worst decision I made in 2008, shallow as that may seem, I'm just really upset by my short hair. At least its grown about an inch and half since I cut it and now I know that having short hair is not something that I like.
I can't believe it is already 2009 and that school starts in a week. Im excited for classes to begin though I didn't get anything done that I wanted to this break. My two day sleep at home for christmas has turned into a three week stay. I have not even been back to my house and I've been living off the minimal clothes I brought home for those couple nights, proving the point to myself even more that I don't really need any of the material things that I have surrounding me at my house. However, as much as I like spending all the time that I have spent with my family I hate how its like a black hole at home where I want to do nothing except lounge around and watch movies with my sisters. I still have not even developed the film that I shot the first week of break and I get lazy about going to the gym when it takes me 20 mins to get to alumni as opposed to three. I'm glad its been fairly decent outside because I've gotten some good three mile runs in the past couple weeks.
The last few days I've had this weird dizzy thing going on, the result of a sinus thing? I don't know but its annoying and I missed my first chance to go skiing this Saturday because of it and left work early today. Oh well.
Despite that I'm hoping for a pretty fantastic 2009. I'm excited about my last semester and maybe this time I will pull off a 4.0...I can't believe I just missed it last semester. Damn those .2 points lost in History of Graphic Design.
I've got a lot to look forward to and I'm excited to see everyone back at school next monday. Until then go drink a cup of green tea, its delicious.